Yours Truly, Christmas (and New Year)
The festive season can bring with it social pressures left, right and centre - from family, work, friends, and beyond. What are some of the ways that we can stay authentic and true to ourselves, when social pulls can be particularly heightened during this time of the year?
Authenticity during Christmas
The festive season often comes with pressure for things to be that extra "special”. There can be pressures and expectations that the whole family gets together, gifts to be prepared, and social gatherings to be organised. Christmas dinners seem to transform into large gatherings with the extended and extended-extended family we see perhaps once a year. There seem to be social gatherings with friends that we otherwise struggle to catch until Christmas comes. With all the pressures to socialise, there can be a push to put on certain social masks. It’s worth noting that the expectations around Christmas can come from not only others, but from ourselves as well. During these times, it’s particularly helpful to connect with our authentic selves, so that we can navigate Christmas in a way that allows us to both connect with others while honouring our personal preferences and inclinations.
So what is authenticity? Authenticity is the quality of being genuine or true to oneself. In psychology, research finds that authenticity is related to higher levels of psychological functioning and subjective wellbeing. Psychologically, authenticity has however been a tricky concept to pin down. Through the years of research, there have been questions whether authenticity is achieved through a process of uncovering an innate self, or that the true self is changeable and shaped by the choices we make throughout their lives. Drawing on philosophical and historical conceptualisations, Kernis and Goldman (2006) developed a psychological definition of authenticity as being multifaceted and requiring integration of various parts of our identity, including possibly conflicting aspects, in order for “the unobstructed operation of one’s true‐ or core‐self in one’s daily enterprise”. Specifically, Kernis and Goldman identified authenticity as involving the integration between 4 processes:
Self-Awareness
Unbiased Processing (aka no denial)
Behaviour
Relational Orientation
Self-awareness is the knowledge, along with continued motivation to develop awareness, of our self-related thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and desires. Self-awareness can include knowing our emotional states, goals and motivations, strengths and weaknesses, as well as our disposition and personality characteristics. Importantly, self-awareness also involves knowing and accepting that these tendencies can function flexibly in different contexts. For example, an individual - let’s say “Alex” - may normally view themselves as introverted and reserved. During the festive season, Alex may appreciate the opportunity to entertain, and yet maintain their sense of self. Similarly, if Alex understands that they prefer a quieter Christmas this year, they are not torn by tugs of FOMO or push themselves to attend every gathering that they feel obliged to. Self-awareness during Christmas involves the ability to both know, accept and integrate our sense of self and emotional needs independently from social pressures. Mindfulness can be one way to strengthen our ability to build self-awareness and our needs in any given moment.
As humans, we’re all inclined to safety and prone to denial when we are challenged about undesirable or conflicting aspects of ourselves. Unbiased processing is the ability to consider all aspects of ourselves with neutrality, without denial or suppression. Unbiased processing includes the absence of defensiveness, denial, self-inflation, or any other self-serving biases or misperceptions. Importantly, unbiased processing allows for a neutral and accurate sense of self, supporting self-awareness. Research finds that self-compassion supports balanced self-processing, allowing us to equally hold both desired and flawed or painful parts of ourselves. For example, Alex may identify themselves as family-oriented, however feel fatigued about the idea of a large Christmas family gathering. Unbiased processing means that Alex is able to remain self-compassionate about their reservations about socialising without feeling guilty for doing so.
Authenticity involves not only the internal processes, but also outwardly focused action. Authentic behaviour involves acting in line with our values, needs and preferences, without being pulled to blindly fall in line with social expectations to please others, gain rewards or avoid punishment. There may admittedly be times that acting true to ourselves may lead greater social falling out. In these circumstances, authenticity involves mindful and purposeful action - aware of our needs and preferences, self-compassionate about any conflict between one’s personal views and the social context, and choosing to act with what would lead to the best outcome rather than blind adherence to social pressures.
There’s the age-old saying that “no man is an island”, and being authentic ultimately lies in a relational orientation. Being authentic means the ability to remain honest to ourselves within our relationships, especially our close relationships. Being authentic with our significant relationships helps with openness and reciprocal authenticity in the relationship. Trust is thought to facilitate authenticity, and genuineness in turn reinforces feelings of trust in relationships. Research finds that individuals who exhibit greater authenticity in their close relationships experience deeper closeness and more satisfying relationships and . Alex may have reservations about a large family gathering for Christmas, and although they’re aware that if they don’t attend, great-great grandma, the matriarch of the family, would be displeased, Alex was able to be honest about their grumbles and fatigue with their partner and mother.
While developing authenticity is an ongoing process, Christmas is a great time to begin the process ahead of the new year. Helpful ways could include reflecting on your values (again, or for the first time). Writing and journaling can also help with fostering objectivity and being a record of what’s important to us when we’re feeling swayed by the winds of social pressures. And if you’re curious about where your authenticity lies, Kernis and Goldman (2006) developed the Authenticity Inventory (AI-3) which can be accessed here. Wherever Christmas takes you - social or quiet, extravagant or simple - wishing you all a happy festive season ahead.
Resources
Goldman, B.M. & Kernis, M.H. (2006). A Multicomponent Conceptualization of Authenticity: Theory and Research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38. DOI:10.1016/S0065-2601(06)38006-9.
