Self-Compassion
We’ve all heard of “self-esteem”, “self-confidence”, and now “self-care”. So how does the idea of self-compassion fit into all of this?
Self-compassion as the antidote to burnout.
As we’re coming to mid-year, the days are getting shorter and the weather colder. As the freshness of the first half of the year wears off, it’s likely that our emotional and physical batteries are starting to run flat. In recent years, self-care has been widely promoted as the way to manage burnout - from skincare, to exercising, to green juices. However, to practice self-care effectively, it’s important to understand the deceptively simple idea that sits fundamentally at the heart of self-care: self-compassion.
Kristin Neff (2009) built on the idea of self-compassion from Buddhist principles and incorporated it into western psychological understanding. She defined self-compassion as the process of relating to yourself compassionately, with warmth and understanding, particularly during difficult times. Self-care is on the other hand defined as the action of preserving or improving one's own health, and as such it is important to recognise that we can practice self-care activities without self-compassion.
Neff (2009) teased self-compassion apart to help us better understand what the process involves. She defined self-compassion as having 3 primary elements:
Self-kindness vs. self-judgment
A sense of common humanity vs. isolation
Mindfulness vs. overidentification.
“You’re such an idiot”, “You’ve stuffed it up again”. How many of us can relate to the habit of berating ourselves when we make an error, or evaluating ourselves (often negatively) in comparison to others. Self-compassion means relating to ourselves with kindness through everyday moments. For the perfectionists amongst us, that might mean building a practice of reminding ourselves that we’ve done “good enough”.
Self-compassion also means recognising that we’re only human and that we’re not alone in our flaws and mishaps. Often when we berate ourselves, we’re thinking less of ourselves, that we’re the only one to be such a “failure” or to experience such situational struggles. Relating to ourselves compassionately means recognising the common humanity in our struggles and inadequacies, being forgiving with ourselves, warts and all.
Finally, regarding ourselves with compassion and kindness involves mindful awareness of our internal state. It is easy to become fused with the moments where we are triggered, and in the process over-identifying with the emotions that are stirred up. Self-compassion involves being aware of when strong emotions are triggered, and to have the ability to treat ourselves kindly by letting it go, rather than ruminating on the moment.
Burnout can take forms in a myriad of ways - from feeling more easily agitated, jaded or unmotivated, to being more reactive to family, friends or at work. If you’re noticing your personal telltale signs of burnout popping up, intentionally bring a spirit of self-compassion to your day-to-day. For many of us, it’s often easier to care for others and tend to our responsibilities, and forget to extend that same kindness, compassion and attention to ourselves.
